| Self Portrait | 2010

Self-Portrait, 2010

When I first began this assignment I knew instantly what portrait I wanted to use for inspiration. I was leafing through a magazine that I had gotten in the mail and this one portrait stood out to me instantly. The first thing I thought of was how much this portrait resembled me. I was also drawn to this portrait because of its contemporary edge. It is so simplistic yet so effective due to the contrasting colours and contrasting values. Her style—black hat and yellow sweater—were exactly something that I would wear. I tend to have this sophisticated style and I think that “Poise” by Casey Baugh depicted this style exactly—I even had a similar hat! I was drawn to the beautiful contrast of yellow and deep purple—a combination of cool yet warm hues as if emphasizing her ambiguous stance. Her stance is both assertive as if she is strong willed although she is turning her back to her audience as if she has something to hide from which is also mirrored by her downcast gaze that is shaded by the brim of her hat. Initially I was drawn only to this woman’s physical features; however, as I began to work on this piece to transform my self portrait to resemble the work of Baugh, I began to relate to her on a more psychological level. I don’t know if this is because I spent so much time looking at the piece or not, but it may also be because of the timing of when I worked on this project. I was going through some tough times in regards to decisions that had to be made. I wanted to go home for the summer as I had anticipated, but I lost my job that I returned to for three summers already. So as summer approaches quickly I am currently unemployed therefore I am uncertain as to where I will be living. I have this thing that I like to have a plan and being uncertain of what I am doing in two weeks gives me a lot of unwanted stress. Last week it really hit me hard as I became so overwhelmed with trying to figure out what I was going to do that all I wanted was to turn my back on everything in hopes that it would go away. Similar to this figure’s stance of looking away with her hat covering her eyes as if she is hiding, I wanted to hide so someone else could figure out what I was supposed to do. I felt that God was trying to tell me something, but I didn’t know what and all I wanted was for it to be over. It always seems easier to turn away rather than face the inevitable. Despite feeling this way I remained persistent and continued to apply for more jobs. I knew that I couldn’t give up which is similar to “Poise” as she stands with a straight back strong enough to withhold the pressures of life. I still feel overwhelmed with it all, but God is the one who gives me the strong assertiveness to persist through the hard times. Just today I got a phone call for an interview so maybe it’s time for me to lift my gaze and face what needs to be done head on.

This portrait also exhibits another more religious meaning for me. The stance of “Poise” is also slightly angled which gives hope of turning around just as God gives me strength to turn toward what he has planned for me. Despite the hope found in this portrait I also sense a looming shadow behind her. Perhaps she has some regrets behind her and she is trying to forget them. This may be for her, but for me the shadow resembles the darkness that I have also been feeling lately, not just because of the stresses of looking for a job, but my neglect of my faith. All Christians go through a time of darkness where God is put on the back burner—this is the way things have been for me for a while. There is a stark contrast between the light before her (and me) and the light behind which exhibits the tension that I have within. I need to turn my back on the darkness and look toward the light of my Lord. The downcast gaze resembles the busyness of my life that gets in the way of my relationship with God. The hat blocks the light of God from reaching my face; from lighting up my world. In a way, I need to take off my hat to allow the light in; to allow my Savior to light up my path ahead of me so that I know what direction to take.

After researching Baugh some more I became more appreciative of Baugh’s process. I found that he thinks it’s “foolish to adopt only the traditions of yesterday.” As a result, he intentionally combines the technology of lighting and computer software with traditional techniques such as the use of oil paints as his preferred medium. He views technology as a way of exploring new approaches to art. He uses technology to his advantage to balance the colour and values of his photographs before he paints them. As a result, I was drawn to this portrait for the process because I also combined the traditional style of painting with the technology of Photoshop by painting on the computer. Initially, I didn’t know what to really expect. I had seen the results of this technique numerous times, but I did not know how to go about it myself. I began by experimenting with different brush styles at various opacities and different colours. Once I felt comfortable enough I began to paint the background. Baugh begins by creating an underpainting which provides most of the texture for the rest of the painting. He continues by adding layers which is what I did also. Although it was unnecessary for me to exactly replicate his process due to the flexibilities of Photoshop; however, I feel that I was able to accomplish his technique fairly accurately despite the completely contrasting mediums. I liked the flexibility of painting on the computer—the use of the “undo” action was very helpful! The hardest part that I found was the colour choice. I used the eyedropper tool to match the colour, but due to the minute pixels it was difficult to accurately pick the right colour so I had to eye ball it sometimes. I also found it difficult to replicate the texture of a real brush. It seemed that regardless of what I did that the texture ended up smoother than what I intended, but I tried by combining various brush shapes, using shorter brushstrokes, and layer upon layer of thin colours to replicate the texture. Experimenting with texture is a skill I will have to continue to explore and something that cannot be mastered in only my first attempt. In addition, I found Baugh’s use of lighting technology to make it very difficult to photograph a similar portrait that replicated the exact shadows therefore I had to manipulate them somewhat in Photoshop which continues to utilize the advantageous elements of technology.

Creating this self-portrait by painting on the computer was definitely a very different experience. There were times when I wanted to reach out to smudge that little bit of colour with my fingertip. It was something to get used to having a screen between myself and my work. Toward the end it became easier. The flexibility of my tablet enabled me to have the flexibility similar to that of a paintbrush which contributed to the effectiveness and success of this portrait. Personally, I feel very satisfied with this first attempt at digital painting. It is definitely a technique that I will continue to pursue and experiment with.